I've been learning something new. To meditate in the Theravedic Buddhist tradition as taught by various teachers at the Insight Meditation Society. I'm still excited about this new trick (it's not really a trick).
I might be pushing too hard to meditate and practice mindfulness when a break from it feels like heroine, right? Like,even if you've never sat down to meditate, this sounds counterproductive.
The last two weeks, I have been practicing and sitting (meditation) every morning for 30 minutes and every night after dinner for 30 minutes. On a recent seven day retreat I was sitting for 5 hours a day (not all at once, come on!) so this seems like a nice amount while working. In addition to sitting, I am practicing the tradition of witnessing aversion to things and letting aversion go like the smell of personal gas in public; quickly. A great lesson in aversion as well.
Just a few hours ago, I got extremely angry with Stephanie, an employee of the 90th St pharmacy over an order that her her coworker, Anna, messed up royally all day.
I did not witness but fully engaged in rage. I was standing in the lowly lit foyer of my studio alone and on the phone, pacing back and forth on the off white berber. My heart rate was up. I was sweating in my clothes. But, when I got off the phone, I felt more alive. It was like eating a pint ice cream when I've been on a no sugar diet. It tasted good.
I'm pretty sure I made Stephanie have a crap moment because when she put me on hold she goes, "Oh my GOD." I felt out of control. I made up with Stephanie but it made me think.
I might be pushing too hard. But, I fear if I do it any less, I will quit it all together. And I don't want to lose it, because this practice helps me feel at ease, more grateful and calm in my body.
I think I shall let my practice come and go a little more naturally and see where it goes rather than fear the end.